Changes

In September I left my job with no days notice, that is, my job no longer felt like employment I could sustain for even one more hour while maintaining my own personal integrity. In no days notice I had to say good-bye without actually saying good-bye to colleagues I loved and respected, to children I adored and admired, and to families I had thought of as part of my own community. What ensued was a feeling of utter powerlessness despite the fact that it was me who walked. The emotional storm that descended paralyzed me and made me feel isolated, invisible, and despicable. Within a month, I was physically paralyzed by double pneumonia followed by influenza/bronchitis from which I am still recovering.

The day-to-day requirements of a single mom (divorced in August ha! ha!) are unique. I think it is hard to imagine unless you have been in this situation. But I think it is enough to say that it is an urgent matter for me to be sound and strong, if only for the sake of my daughter, (and Lulu the beloved dog-sister-daughter).

Trying to come to terms with my financial situation (understanding that early retirement is not an option) has been an ongoing challenge. My depression, while real, undermines any chance of my physical recovery and will likely serve as a roadblock to any future job opportunities. But here I am projecting. I don’t know what this all signifies but I mean to find out and/or meet it if I can.

If you are reading this you are one of ten witnesses. The information you read is private. Please do not share. Please drop out at any time you feel uncomfortable. Please comment, "I am here." if you have read the post.

Thank you for your help in this very personal experiment.

Witness

I would like to conduct an experiment while at the same time attempting to be present to my current state of mind, soul, body and spirit.I petition at least 10 people who can commit to reading a daily blog post for four weeks. This means for 28 days I will post on my blog. Those who commit are not required to do anything but read the post and write in the comment section, “I am here.”- This is not something I read somewhere. It is something I am making up as part of my strong connection to a culture of witnessing. This is very different from judging or giving opinions/advice. It means you are present to that person’s experience. That is all. I will be beginning this blog posting on December 21, 2014 and ending on January 18, 2015.

On one side of our street sits St. Joseph's cemetery. In the colder months the wind howls off the gravestones. It is a perfect place to celebrate Halloween. Booty and I are writing a play with Gwinna the Wind Fairy,  Ug-Witch and Ghost kitty. All Booty's lines she is writing.

Ug-Witch: Along St. Joseph's Cemetery
We will scare up some ghosts.
The houses here are haunted.

Gwinna: So lets blow down some posts!

Royal of the forest. Royal of the back porch ledge. Royal of the toe nibblers. Royal of the furniture sprawl. Royal of the purr engine. All these Royals and many more. We will long for you and feel the lack of your generous being-ness and know we have been blessed.

Good bye Royal. We loved your loving, handsome ways.

Good bye dear friend. We will miss your handsome face and loving ways!

One week ago today I began my journey in letting go of my beautiful class of Third Graders and the school. It has been a strange and painful week. Today at about 9 am I received a knock on my door from my neighbor telling me someone struck my cat Royal, with their car. When I went out he was still in the middle of the road, very much dead. He was a mess.

Royal was a true man. Loyal. Handsome. A natural hunter. Relaxed and playful. He was only 1 1/2 years old. And very much loved by Sanbate, Lulu and little J.

And me. 

I just finished painting the front deck. I am really enjoying the color. A couple of red and white byzantine hued benches and it will be complete. Today, due to employment difficulties, I had to leave the ac off and sweat it out. Sanbate and I collected black walnuts, shelled them and left them in the basement to dry. We will vice them open and see how they taste. Maybe even make some pesto with our basil.My next door neighbor even offered up her internet, (as I will be without until I am employed again).

I want to paint this.

The idea of "you" and "I" dissolves

I am waiting for the idea of "you" and "I" to dissolve. When I become enlightened it will and nothing that happens to or around me will seem unfathomable. Like:

Moving to Cincinnati from the east bay of California for a great job teaching in a fabulous Waldorf School and buying a house and getting divorced and then a year and a half later leaving the job that created so much change. Now what? I just purchased my first house and just became a single mom and find myself unemployed.

Is this opportunity knocking? Will it come pounding down my door?

Poison ivy has certainly come and is definitely breaking down the barrier of my physical home, i.e. my skin.

Otherwise I am healthy. I just put 4 new tires on my car. My new front deck is almost all finished except for some stain and paint. The sun has been very cheery in the blue, fall sky. All seven chickens are laying.

But regardless it feels like the archai Michael has sort of ditched me and the dragon is comfortably settling in. Welcome 49th year!

Wild turkeys across the street at St. Joseph's cemetery.

The stone retaining wall is almost completed, thanks to Jai! Lulu and the cats are all fast friends. And Sanbate is now in her second year in Cincinnati, with friends that live nearby. The chickens are super fat and getting ready to lay and I am finishing up my online course in preparation for a very packed third grade year, (26 students)! My brother will be moving this month to my zip code, blocks away!

There is so much I could share about what is new and current. Can I tell you about how I am learning to be middle aged (with teeth falling out, and body parts failing?) or should I tell you about the house that I bought that has plumbing issues and is sitting on land that is sliding (measureably) a little bit every month. Or should I tell you about how my teaching has reached a humble phase wherein everybody is welcome into my classroom at any time without question or should I educate you about the joys of owning farm animals and keeping them safe???

Good lordy lord! I have been remiss on my posting. I guess thats what comes when one is occupied by other things. Never you mind. This is the latest on my class and our home.

A month ago several friends and community members (like Jessie above) came to my rescue and cleared out my honeysuckle. Now I need to decide what to do with my rather long and narrow yard. Yurt anyone?

Booty continues to survive the agonies of the week-end home and the home-home.  I continue to be grateful for the life that has been given to me. A beautiful home, loving and generous friends/neighbors and a very supportive school in which I work and Booty learns.

My Art of Living network continues without any thanks (or help as of yet) to inspire me to be much, MUCH more than I am. Thank you Ekta! Jayshree and all of the Cinci AOL beauties.

Second grade continues to bewitch and educate me.

We celebrated one of my favorite festivals, "Day of the dead- Dia de los Muertes" classroom style. That is- with as much reverence and fun as a classroom can sufficiently muster without bringing the roof down.

Tomorrow- Lantern walk with our beautiful lanterns.

My class is amazing, talented, thoughtful, mischievous, and truly beautiful. I am always stunned by their ability to make me try to be a better person.

Coming soon if time permits

Monday I begin my home visits to my students' houses. This is quite a treat! However, even tho' school doesn't start until the third week in August, it marks the beginning of the new school year because its when it all begins again.

I look forward to this new start. But it means less time puttering around the house. I guess I will need to get up earlier and manage my time more efficiently. Hopefully, the curtains for our bedrooms and kitchen will also be finished before the house warming party on Saturday August 10.

new additions and views at our new home

 Jax is the black and white boy we brought home yesterday. He likes to climb up people and bite they heads.

 Royal came home yesterday too. He has an engine that runs constantly. He may turn out to be very large as he likes to eat. Alot.

I just finished sewing the dining room and living room curtains. The dining room curtains are hung Roman style while the living room curtains are made out of jute, (burlap) which is very stiff. So I had to sew panels.

Before and After

Before and After

When we bought the house in Enright Ridge Eco-village we began by painting and ripping up carpet and linoleum, sanding and oiling floors, tiling the kitchen, power washing the deck and installing fans. I am in the process of exterior trim painting, (if it would stop raining) and changing up lights and cabinets.

While there is lots more to do, the house is beginning to feel like home.

 Spayed on Monday. This little Lulu Ladoo is bouncing back quickly.

Booty is enjoying school and loves to play with her friends. She is learning to write on her own and discovered the palindrome this week with the word DAD.

She can often be heard saying, "Both of my babies have broken fingers (or broken somethings)" A melancholic's life can be daunting!

Life can be confusing. We love California but we are unemployed. Enjoying life. But not quite happy about being unemployed and living off of our house nest egg.

What will happen?

Very shortly things may shift, at least I hope they do. Limbo land is no fun.

How long dear One?

How long dear One
will we separate ourselves from you?
And judge others while we remain estranged from those in isolation who attempt and sometimes succeed in tragic acts?
What terror?
Has our country killed children equally beautiful to American children?
What unspeakable evil?

We talk and talk as if we have already finished our life of reaching out to those who seem unloveable, different or remote.
We view an act without perceiving the origin of the drop that has rippled out to touch us all.

Violence is the result of an excess of emotion and desperation and hopelessness.
Apathy is the other end of violence and it can be just as shattering.

We weep dear One and yet we do not understand our own importance in bringing down this loneliness that is toppling us all.

It is easy to hold our children close at these times and thank the stars that pardoned us but can we embrace the other?

Can we gather up the lost or straying brothers and sisters and welcome them into our own before their grief explodes into shards of interrupted innocence?

Luna started puppy class last week and was a star, (and also the most enthusiastic). She is now 20 pounds and luckily, less likely to nip. Her new regime has us feeding her by hand as reward for following commands like sit, stand and down.

Booty loves school so much that she said to me, "I wish I could live at school".

Mr. D is still in seeking mode.

Today I will attempt (again) to register my car. I have obtained my smog inspection and have the necessary papers.

This morning I got a sub call but when I returned the message after 5 minutes no one picked up. The teacher must have changed her mind because she was at school when we arrived one hour later.

The weather has been warm and lovely.

I backed my car into a brick wall last week.

I am agonizing over the California credential and the means to obtain it, but have registered for the CBEST (California Basic Education Skills Test) as part of the requirement.

Was a bit disappointed that the closest grocery store Safeway does not have an organic OR natural food section. And that Shell has installed media screens on their gas pumps so you can't avoid the absolutely inane. Two more places to avoid in the future.

We are so lucky to have many options for our Art of Living group meditation. Last year we would have had to drive for an hour into Seattle. I hope to make it to the 730 in Castro Valley.

Just received something in the mail from my sister. Hmmmm. What is it?

Sold the red armoir, the washer and the dryer. Getting rid of the things we are not using. This will continue.

American Pit Bull puppy

The American Pit Bull Terrier, once a symbol of the ideal family dog, has been much maligned of late due to changes in people-dog culture. These changes have affected all breeds but especially the work breeds like the APBT who are strong and stubborn but also extremely eager to please.

Our puppy is smart and cuddly but also (at 3 months) extremely mouthy and jumpy. For an adult this is extremely manageable but for guests and children (our 5 year old!) this is a major concern.

Training and research has begun in earnest and unfortunately because she has not finished her vaccinations we have to do this without other dogs or the places other dogs go.

One site that has been very helpful has been Bad Rap, which is an advocacy group for Pits. There are many links on their website that have been really informative especially in the areas that I am focusing on (mouthiness).

The hardest thing I have found so far about training Luna is training our 5 year old who wants to do all manner of things with the puppy but is overwhelmed by her spiciness and enthusiasm. A nip from the puppy can be scary to a little girl and I am on high alert to make sure that we address this issue.

Chew toys= Good chewing
Play that does not involve jumping/biting for things we hold in our hands
= Puppy Learning more of what we like
Leash+new people= Necessary for avoiding mouthy jumpy behavior
Little girl +mommy at all times= More opportunities for correcting puppy to puppy behavior

Is there anything more precious to a dog lover than her snoop's snout? Our little lululuna is a dear little one. And I have been a bad mommy taking her for walks before she finished her immunizations. The vet tech ripped into me for letting her walk on the floor of the vet office. Oh my. I have forgotten my dog mommy rules.

I finished my first triptych- Nicho Home.

Mr. D is off to India today to keep his dad company and to help out after his dad's emergency surgery (a Scooter crashed into him and broke his back in several places). Thus we are again without the da.

yellow jacket.

Name change request.
Instead of yellow jacket.
"Fu@*&%$ Bast=^( "

This might clear things up with those who may not be familiar with the species.
Crawling up into my jeans and stinging me. Didn't find the FB until I frantically took the jeans off in the back yard and turned them inside out.

There he was crawling around. Seemingly unaffected and unharmed. Inside my jeans.

Not for long.