That I love

A rough stone stair in the wood

Holy things

An absolutely beautiful day. The sky couldn't be bluer. The breeze more gentle. So, instead of heading downtown on the bus to march and sing we went to the creek and walked in the cemetery. We sang to MLK. It was a blessed day.

"We bake a cake. We blow it out. Happy birthday Martin Luther King we shout.
I have a dream, he said. All people hand in hand. Working and playing throughout the land." Written by me and a group of stellar 2-4 year olds in Chicago 20 years ago.

The last day

It is the last day of our experiment.
Our experiment.
You who have joined me have allowed me to stay close to the experience of loss and to openly grieve. This is one of the anti-dotes to depression. I thank you. Each one of you holds a very precious place in my heart. Each of you is unique and from the far corners of the world you have witnessed some very personal moments and tasted the sometimes not so yummy flavors of me. Even if we never see each other again I say with deep love and gratitude, "I belong to you." This is also a celebration!

This piece is dedicated to you Deborah, Kate, Marcy, David, Jai, Mary, YengYen, Nikkie, Amy and Rebecca. May the door be open to you always.

Things to do

It is very satisfying having things to do.

This morning I woke up early because as the newly appointed Secretary of the Board of the Enright Ridge Urban Eco-village (where I live) I had a Board Retreat to go to. At the Board meeting there were many things to discuss and ponder.
When I arrived home in the afternoon it was a beautiful day and Booty and our friends' two children played inside and out. The play date ended in the woods chasing our dog, who was only too happy to comply.

I made a full dinner, chicken, rice, moong beans, veggies and gravy.

Since the kids are older now they didn't trash the house but helped clean up.

My neighborhood always provides me with things to do.

Note* Tomorrow is the last day of the Witness posts!

The Chorus

This is a fiction
Fiction means it didn't happen
This is a story
A story I tell to you

This is a song
A  song means its a whimsy
This is an air
An air may not be true

This is a picture
A picture is just one angle
A painting, decoration
A drawing's just a view

The Icky bits

I caused a kerfuffle at school last week. It went like this:

I went in to deliver a hand made birthday gift to one of my former students (as I had promised them I would) and noticed the one I had delivered before had not left the teachers' mail box. I thought to myself, "Is she so busy that she hasn't checked her mail? My (former) student will think I have forgotten her!" I think I even made a noise like, "grrrr" or said "Oh no". I took both gifts and brought them to morning drop off to hand them directly to the students, (altho' I was asked not to do this).

Not a good idea.

The teacher explained to me, (clearly not impressed with my dismayed expression) that she had not delivered the gift because the child was previously absent.

That day the office staff and the sub reported me to the "Principal" and I was sent an email to the effect that I had better mail the gifts or get someone else to deliver them.

In response I apologized to the offended teacher and told her that I realize I am responsible for dealing with this transition and that I was sorry she had to see my "Icky bits".

Where do you live?

I have not been able to find housing for these folks but the criteria are very narrow. Regardless, we have enjoyed our time looking and discussing: options for housing in Mason, our young girls (theirs is only one year younger than mine) and expat life. I only wish I had a little more time to work on this project.

Here is a listing we looked at today:   Palmera Apartments

Do Over

A little snag in the road trying to find homes in the desired school district for clients. All units we saw yesterday advertised Mason and Loveland but were not in Mason or Loveland school district. Yikes. Do over.

This is a job

Had a lovely day with a family from the UK. Very busy looking at apartments. They were so cute talking about the places they saw. We ate lunch at Whole Foods and I was amazed that this is a job.

The Other

I am still figuring it out I guess.
I tried to stay cool but I didn't.
My heart on my sleave
And I don't want to leave
Walking where really I shouldn't.

And I imagine a better scenario
Where people are forgiving and kind
And I realize
from the love in their eyes
Transformation begins in my mind

I may not get that chance
There may not yet come the call
From others but me
I still want to see
The crumbling of Other's wall

One off

I hope that yesterday's missed blog is a one off because I believe in this process. Yesterday was the first truly busy day I have had since leaving my teaching job. My first assignment required a good deal of preparation (research, office work and phone calls) even with some helpful leads. Then I had an unexpected visitor, ( a good friend) who wanted to run an idea by me. And then I had promised Booty that I would take her and a friend to the library, movies and dinner. By the time we returned home it was late. We crashed. What a great day! Thanks all for reading and posting. This is good.

Made by Booty

An Assignment!

I received an assignment today! And it is a comprehensive assignment which means that I will be working 5 days!

For the next week and a half I will be busy but it will be good! Messy house, and all but I am glad for it.

More later.

What stays?

Form drawing is taught in Classes 1 to 5 (in Waldorf Schools), and consists essentially of freehand drawing of non-representational  forms.  It  was  an entirely new subject when Rudolf Steiner introduced it in the first  Waldorf school  in 1919. Today it is still new, in the sense that we are still discovering fresh aspects of it, and different applications.-Rosemary Gebert article

I have noticed that when I practice Form drawing I feel more centered. In fact, it can be used to help create balance in (or remove hindrances from) children  It was something I did extensively when we lived in Singapore. I even taught it as a class for children and also as a workshop for adults.  I like to make up forms and sometimes I find a form that is so compelling I will spend over an hour working on it. 

I recently met a woman who also had to leave a Waldorf school and she suggested that I come and teach something at her farm. There are so many things I love to do. I like making puppets and putting on puppet shows the most. I particularly like marionettes because they are light and easy to move. I like writing music and plays. I like being removed from the focus and making the being I have created the center. Stages for puppet shows are very manageable and resources more diverse. It is the perfect combination of art and performance. 

Crankies and specifically the duo Anna and Elizabeth in this link offer up a great example of performance that is also art. Craftmanship and history. These things are very inspiring to me. 

In search of that which remains inside of me after all the winds die down. 
What stays?

Back to school

It has been over two weeks since I have driven to school. Today I woke up angry that I had to go in and face school. I must have known that I would bump into someone I wasn't ready to be friendly to. My solution for this has been to say hello but without the smile. Today I could only look at the person and keep walking.

I have been making birthday presents for my students. I don't know if I do it to bring closure or if I am trying to hang on.

The cold has returned today. Frozen water in the chicken's water tub.

My child's enrollment papers are due today. What will happen? I don't know.

Assets and Liabilities

Start with the assets:

A healthy and loving daughter

A loving brother nearby

Spiritual Practice

People I know on the street- 9 families at least
who would help if I needed help- some who really know and love me

Returning health

6 more months of schooling for my daughter

A house

The woods behind my house

A great dog (not really measurable but had to mention)

Chickens and their offerings (fertilizer and eggs)

A reliable car

A Masters and a BA

Years of travel and friends from around the world

An upcoming  very part time job 

 Ok now the liabilities:

Depression

Sugar addiction

Paralysis (not wanting to go out)

Lots of short term employment (no job for longer than 3 years)

49+

Live in Failing school district

Still blaming others (abandonment and betrayal issues)

Looking for liabilities why? Because that is how I solve my problems. I look at my assets to see what I have to work with and then my problems or the things that are hindrances/liabilities. And I can see by this list that  I have a longer assets list. Maybe this is because while depressed I am more optimistic than I thought or perhaps I have more than I know.


 

Practice

The considerations are staggering.
1. Go back to school and become a high school teacher in public school.
2. Start a farm to table general store-cafe-restaurant with my brother.
3. Take a computer skills course to be viable for remote flex-time position at home
4. Start Forest Day care at home
5. Go back to school to earn Phd in teaching and teach adults.
6. Work on my house until spring and sell it and move to Maine.
7. Go to art school.
8. Get multiple odd jobs and scrape by.

All this leaves me with the question still of my daughter, who goes to private school. Next year that tuition will triple. And getting her to and from school and school hours etc.

When I began this process I thought to myself, "I have got to think fast and move!"

Yes. But since I am no closer to an answer I think I need to slow down and meditate. Be still. Listen.

Practice.

Equinimity

Jesus and his apostles walked by a dead rotting dog. When his disciples turned away in disgust, he said, "What beautiful teeth."

The remains of my dog's (de-squeaked) toy looks like a corpse without the blood or guts. But in some ways it is beautiful to me, sitting on the stainless steel table. It fought the good fight.

My inspiration