Christmas Perhaps

Perhaps

Its not dead

It is just sleeping

Barren, dry and impoverished looking

One would think it has reached its limit

That it is useless, tapped out.

How impatiently we wait to see.

Should we start hacking away?

Editing out the chaff?

Clearing away the brush, now a crackling mass,

A bonfire’s meal.

How long do we wait?

There could be some life swelling in there.

This could be the dream-time, the time that potential builds.

And without this rest, a new wave of abundance would only sickly

Trickle and meagerly offer from exhaustion more hollow notes.

The farmer waits. The teacher waits. The mother waits.

The divine waits.

As death and rebirth reciprocate.

As ice justifies the thaw.

The gums swell painfully and the child protests.

And the branches of my life drop every sign of worth.

Do I cut them and plant anew?

Or is there still something there?

                             Elizabeth Doshi  (December 2014)

You live!

When I am well

I continue to hear myself say, “When I am well…” Why do I have to wait until I am feeling healthy? Why can’t I seize the day with hope and excitement? Why can’t I learn to live with what is present? My excuse I say is, “I am not accustomed to feeling unwell. I am used to having lots of energy. I never get sick.” Well, in this case that is not true. So why not just do what you can? “I am! “ I say, with a little bit of anger and resentment.” I am taking care of my daughter. I am keeping the house clean. Walking the dog. Feeding the animals. What more can I do right now?” Accept. Let go of the timeline for wellness that you have written in stone.

This advice does not inspire. And oh, by the way, life has to be filled with inspiring moments and romantic vistas and gorgeous friends and brilliant children and Earth-Mother-women and their Earth-Father-men. Magic and Divine grace and all.

What I have here is mud and muck and thick, unrelenting and headache-inducing mucus. Forced smiles. False optimism. Mounting medical bills. An impending loss of income. And a creeping feeling that I will soon disappear and become a sketch of the idea of my ideal self without any real tooth or fire, hue or star substance whatsoever.

So bless me. I am doing it myself. As I love those without charm. As I am kind to those who are not compassionate. As I continue to be real with the ones that surround me, which honors them as it does me.

Gratitude. I am so lucky to have this beautiful child, these very real people that I belong to and who make me know what belongingness really is despite my painful “now”.  Despite what I am experiencing, something benevolent surrounds me.

It says, You live!

Letting Go

My Solstice wish, “letting go” is a mighty big order. Everywhere I look in my home there are reminders. Almost all my books are for teaching and most are curricular or Steiner.

Recent job interviews:

Cincinnati Early Learning Center is in a beautiful old building downtown across from Cincinnati’s biggest and best library. I met with a very elegantly dressed woman, who spoke well and seemed very interested in me. I spoke about Waldorf education and at the end of the interview asked about the salary, which she couldn’t tell me. After a few messages back and forth she stopped contacting me.

Dewey’s Pizza is a friendly “Leona’s” like restaurant in town with decent pizza. The manager who interviewed me was young enough to be my son. After a really honest conversation he told me, “I don’t think you would be a good fit…”

I interviewed at a Vet Specialist in Kentucky. A very professional vet spoke to me and seemed open to taking me on. I never called them back (very low hourly).

Yesterday I had a long interview on the phone with Dwellworks Destination Services, a relocation company for a part-time consulting job. After talking for a while I agreed to move forward and accept the position as an independent contractor. It may take a while to make a living but the hourly wage is excellent and it is a job I have lived for the last 8 years; I would be helping people relocate to a new home/city.

For the first time I am looking forward to filling out paperwork and feeling like I have a purpose. But is that a trap? Is having a job just an invention. Can’t I be established within myself without a job?

Shame

I publicly shamed someone. I admit it wasn't my brightest moment but it happened and I think that it meant something. About me. And shame.

First the "incident" as my daughter calls it. We were at our grocers and had just arrived back home from Maine and I was talking to my brother (on my cell phone)  who  had been taking care of our chickens. I spaced out and a man was angry that I was in his way in the grocery aisle. He said, "Move it dumb-ass! I am not going around you!" At first I didn't think he was talking to us and then he turned to me and said it again, "Dumb-ass!" Later, my daughter said he was talking to her at which point when I saw him again looking at us and shaking his head I said, "Were you swearing at us because we were in your way?" And then loudly, "You should be ashamed of yourself for speaking like that just because we were in your way!" Everyone turned around, including the security guy and I repeated myself, "Just because we were in his way!!!"

Shame. Do we shame others because we feel shame?

Changes

In September I left my job with no days notice, that is, my job no longer felt like employment I could sustain for even one more hour while maintaining my own personal integrity. In no days notice I had to say good-bye without actually saying good-bye to colleagues I loved and respected, to children I adored and admired, and to families I had thought of as part of my own community. What ensued was a feeling of utter powerlessness despite the fact that it was me who walked. The emotional storm that descended paralyzed me and made me feel isolated, invisible, and despicable. Within a month, I was physically paralyzed by double pneumonia followed by influenza/bronchitis from which I am still recovering.

The day-to-day requirements of a single mom (divorced in August ha! ha!) are unique. I think it is hard to imagine unless you have been in this situation. But I think it is enough to say that it is an urgent matter for me to be sound and strong, if only for the sake of my daughter, (and Lulu the beloved dog-sister-daughter).

Trying to come to terms with my financial situation (understanding that early retirement is not an option) has been an ongoing challenge. My depression, while real, undermines any chance of my physical recovery and will likely serve as a roadblock to any future job opportunities. But here I am projecting. I don’t know what this all signifies but I mean to find out and/or meet it if I can.

If you are reading this you are one of ten witnesses. The information you read is private. Please do not share. Please drop out at any time you feel uncomfortable. Please comment, "I am here." if you have read the post.

Thank you for your help in this very personal experiment.

Witness

I would like to conduct an experiment while at the same time attempting to be present to my current state of mind, soul, body and spirit.I petition at least 10 people who can commit to reading a daily blog post for four weeks. This means for 28 days I will post on my blog. Those who commit are not required to do anything but read the post and write in the comment section, “I am here.”- This is not something I read somewhere. It is something I am making up as part of my strong connection to a culture of witnessing. This is very different from judging or giving opinions/advice. It means you are present to that person’s experience. That is all. I will be beginning this blog posting on December 21, 2014 and ending on January 18, 2015.

On one side of our street sits St. Joseph's cemetery. In the colder months the wind howls off the gravestones. It is a perfect place to celebrate Halloween. Booty and I are writing a play with Gwinna the Wind Fairy,  Ug-Witch and Ghost kitty. All Booty's lines she is writing.

Ug-Witch: Along St. Joseph's Cemetery
We will scare up some ghosts.
The houses here are haunted.

Gwinna: So lets blow down some posts!

Royal of the forest. Royal of the back porch ledge. Royal of the toe nibblers. Royal of the furniture sprawl. Royal of the purr engine. All these Royals and many more. We will long for you and feel the lack of your generous being-ness and know we have been blessed.

Good bye Royal. We loved your loving, handsome ways.

Good bye dear friend. We will miss your handsome face and loving ways!

One week ago today I began my journey in letting go of my beautiful class of Third Graders and the school. It has been a strange and painful week. Today at about 9 am I received a knock on my door from my neighbor telling me someone struck my cat Royal, with their car. When I went out he was still in the middle of the road, very much dead. He was a mess.

Royal was a true man. Loyal. Handsome. A natural hunter. Relaxed and playful. He was only 1 1/2 years old. And very much loved by Sanbate, Lulu and little J.

And me. 

I just finished painting the front deck. I am really enjoying the color. A couple of red and white byzantine hued benches and it will be complete. Today, due to employment difficulties, I had to leave the ac off and sweat it out. Sanbate and I collected black walnuts, shelled them and left them in the basement to dry. We will vice them open and see how they taste. Maybe even make some pesto with our basil.My next door neighbor even offered up her internet, (as I will be without until I am employed again).

I want to paint this.

The idea of "you" and "I" dissolves

I am waiting for the idea of "you" and "I" to dissolve. When I become enlightened it will and nothing that happens to or around me will seem unfathomable. Like:

Moving to Cincinnati from the east bay of California for a great job teaching in a fabulous Waldorf School and buying a house and getting divorced and then a year and a half later leaving the job that created so much change. Now what? I just purchased my first house and just became a single mom and find myself unemployed.

Is this opportunity knocking? Will it come pounding down my door?

Poison ivy has certainly come and is definitely breaking down the barrier of my physical home, i.e. my skin.

Otherwise I am healthy. I just put 4 new tires on my car. My new front deck is almost all finished except for some stain and paint. The sun has been very cheery in the blue, fall sky. All seven chickens are laying.

But regardless it feels like the archai Michael has sort of ditched me and the dragon is comfortably settling in. Welcome 49th year!

Wild turkeys across the street at St. Joseph's cemetery.

The stone retaining wall is almost completed, thanks to Jai! Lulu and the cats are all fast friends. And Sanbate is now in her second year in Cincinnati, with friends that live nearby. The chickens are super fat and getting ready to lay and I am finishing up my online course in preparation for a very packed third grade year, (26 students)! My brother will be moving this month to my zip code, blocks away!

There is so much I could share about what is new and current. Can I tell you about how I am learning to be middle aged (with teeth falling out, and body parts failing?) or should I tell you about the house that I bought that has plumbing issues and is sitting on land that is sliding (measureably) a little bit every month. Or should I tell you about how my teaching has reached a humble phase wherein everybody is welcome into my classroom at any time without question or should I educate you about the joys of owning farm animals and keeping them safe???

Good lordy lord! I have been remiss on my posting. I guess thats what comes when one is occupied by other things. Never you mind. This is the latest on my class and our home.

A month ago several friends and community members (like Jessie above) came to my rescue and cleared out my honeysuckle. Now I need to decide what to do with my rather long and narrow yard. Yurt anyone?

Booty continues to survive the agonies of the week-end home and the home-home.  I continue to be grateful for the life that has been given to me. A beautiful home, loving and generous friends/neighbors and a very supportive school in which I work and Booty learns.

My Art of Living network continues without any thanks (or help as of yet) to inspire me to be much, MUCH more than I am. Thank you Ekta! Jayshree and all of the Cinci AOL beauties.

Second grade continues to bewitch and educate me.

We celebrated one of my favorite festivals, "Day of the dead- Dia de los Muertes" classroom style. That is- with as much reverence and fun as a classroom can sufficiently muster without bringing the roof down.

Tomorrow- Lantern walk with our beautiful lanterns.

My class is amazing, talented, thoughtful, mischievous, and truly beautiful. I am always stunned by their ability to make me try to be a better person.

Coming soon if time permits

Monday I begin my home visits to my students' houses. This is quite a treat! However, even tho' school doesn't start until the third week in August, it marks the beginning of the new school year because its when it all begins again.

I look forward to this new start. But it means less time puttering around the house. I guess I will need to get up earlier and manage my time more efficiently. Hopefully, the curtains for our bedrooms and kitchen will also be finished before the house warming party on Saturday August 10.

new additions and views at our new home

 Jax is the black and white boy we brought home yesterday. He likes to climb up people and bite they heads.

 Royal came home yesterday too. He has an engine that runs constantly. He may turn out to be very large as he likes to eat. Alot.

I just finished sewing the dining room and living room curtains. The dining room curtains are hung Roman style while the living room curtains are made out of jute, (burlap) which is very stiff. So I had to sew panels.

Before and After

Before and After

When we bought the house in Enright Ridge Eco-village we began by painting and ripping up carpet and linoleum, sanding and oiling floors, tiling the kitchen, power washing the deck and installing fans. I am in the process of exterior trim painting, (if it would stop raining) and changing up lights and cabinets.

While there is lots more to do, the house is beginning to feel like home.

 Spayed on Monday. This little Lulu Ladoo is bouncing back quickly.

Booty is enjoying school and loves to play with her friends. She is learning to write on her own and discovered the palindrome this week with the word DAD.

She can often be heard saying, "Both of my babies have broken fingers (or broken somethings)" A melancholic's life can be daunting!

Life can be confusing. We love California but we are unemployed. Enjoying life. But not quite happy about being unemployed and living off of our house nest egg.

What will happen?

Very shortly things may shift, at least I hope they do. Limbo land is no fun.

How long dear One?

How long dear One
will we separate ourselves from you?
And judge others while we remain estranged from those in isolation who attempt and sometimes succeed in tragic acts?
What terror?
Has our country killed children equally beautiful to American children?
What unspeakable evil?

We talk and talk as if we have already finished our life of reaching out to those who seem unloveable, different or remote.
We view an act without perceiving the origin of the drop that has rippled out to touch us all.

Violence is the result of an excess of emotion and desperation and hopelessness.
Apathy is the other end of violence and it can be just as shattering.

We weep dear One and yet we do not understand our own importance in bringing down this loneliness that is toppling us all.

It is easy to hold our children close at these times and thank the stars that pardoned us but can we embrace the other?

Can we gather up the lost or straying brothers and sisters and welcome them into our own before their grief explodes into shards of interrupted innocence?