You live!

When I am well

I continue to hear myself say, “When I am well…” Why do I have to wait until I am feeling healthy? Why can’t I seize the day with hope and excitement? Why can’t I learn to live with what is present? My excuse I say is, “I am not accustomed to feeling unwell. I am used to having lots of energy. I never get sick.” Well, in this case that is not true. So why not just do what you can? “I am! “ I say, with a little bit of anger and resentment.” I am taking care of my daughter. I am keeping the house clean. Walking the dog. Feeding the animals. What more can I do right now?” Accept. Let go of the timeline for wellness that you have written in stone.

This advice does not inspire. And oh, by the way, life has to be filled with inspiring moments and romantic vistas and gorgeous friends and brilliant children and Earth-Mother-women and their Earth-Father-men. Magic and Divine grace and all.

What I have here is mud and muck and thick, unrelenting and headache-inducing mucus. Forced smiles. False optimism. Mounting medical bills. An impending loss of income. And a creeping feeling that I will soon disappear and become a sketch of the idea of my ideal self without any real tooth or fire, hue or star substance whatsoever.

So bless me. I am doing it myself. As I love those without charm. As I am kind to those who are not compassionate. As I continue to be real with the ones that surround me, which honors them as it does me.

Gratitude. I am so lucky to have this beautiful child, these very real people that I belong to and who make me know what belongingness really is despite my painful “now”.  Despite what I am experiencing, something benevolent surrounds me.

It says, You live!