Can any one of us say we are perfectly well in our body, emotion, mind and spirit? Maybe there are some who say they are. I hope these folks are in helping positions because I think that we are all working to be better.
I am working to be more compassionate to myself and others. You see, just saying "I am depressed." or admitting I am taking anti-depressants makes me feel like a loser. I am imagining what some of you will say. "I would never..." or "That is the weak person's way..." or what I have said in the past, "You can take antidepressants but it is a spiritual imbalance manifesting in the soul life. "
And maybe it is. But crying every day and feeling more and more unable to reach out because I am crying every day is a hard place to be when you need to step up your spiritual practice. Why cry? It is not a choice. I comes out.
I have a daughter who cries freely. I admire that she is so free with her emotions; joyful bouncing, singing when she is excited, growling when she is mad. She is very comfortable with her feelings. However, I have noticed how resentful I become when she is sad. Or my lack of compassion when she is sick. This is exactly the reaction my ex had throughout our marriage when I was sick and/or sad. It made me feel choked and silenced and disappeared.
Since I started "managing" (i.e. medicating) I have been able to wake up in the middle of the night and comfort my daughter if she is unwell. I have been able to attend to her without feeling resentful of my own lack of self-comfort. I have been able to focus outside my own paralysis on other things.
A friend recently gave me Amanda Palmer's "The Art of Asking" which I am reading. In the beginning of the book she shares stories from when she was a living statue in Harvard Square. She would dress in this long bridal gown, paint her face white and don a retro black Betty Paige wig and stand still until someone put money in the hat. Then she would give them a flower from her flower vase. And start over.
What struck me was her connection to this piece of art. Her impulse behind the piece was to imbue the thought:
"Please. Believe me. I am real. "
I am working to be more compassionate to myself and others. You see, just saying "I am depressed." or admitting I am taking anti-depressants makes me feel like a loser. I am imagining what some of you will say. "I would never..." or "That is the weak person's way..." or what I have said in the past, "You can take antidepressants but it is a spiritual imbalance manifesting in the soul life. "
And maybe it is. But crying every day and feeling more and more unable to reach out because I am crying every day is a hard place to be when you need to step up your spiritual practice. Why cry? It is not a choice. I comes out.
I have a daughter who cries freely. I admire that she is so free with her emotions; joyful bouncing, singing when she is excited, growling when she is mad. She is very comfortable with her feelings. However, I have noticed how resentful I become when she is sad. Or my lack of compassion when she is sick. This is exactly the reaction my ex had throughout our marriage when I was sick and/or sad. It made me feel choked and silenced and disappeared.
Since I started "managing" (i.e. medicating) I have been able to wake up in the middle of the night and comfort my daughter if she is unwell. I have been able to attend to her without feeling resentful of my own lack of self-comfort. I have been able to focus outside my own paralysis on other things.
A friend recently gave me Amanda Palmer's "The Art of Asking" which I am reading. In the beginning of the book she shares stories from when she was a living statue in Harvard Square. She would dress in this long bridal gown, paint her face white and don a retro black Betty Paige wig and stand still until someone put money in the hat. Then she would give them a flower from her flower vase. And start over.
What struck me was her connection to this piece of art. Her impulse behind the piece was to imbue the thought:
"Please. Believe me. I am real. "
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I am here.
I am here.
I am here.
I'm here.
I am here.
I am here 💖
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