The Chorus

This is a fiction
Fiction means it didn't happen
This is a story
A story I tell to you

This is a song
A  song means its a whimsy
This is an air
An air may not be true

This is a picture
A picture is just one angle
A painting, decoration
A drawing's just a view

The Icky bits

I caused a kerfuffle at school last week. It went like this:

I went in to deliver a hand made birthday gift to one of my former students (as I had promised them I would) and noticed the one I had delivered before had not left the teachers' mail box. I thought to myself, "Is she so busy that she hasn't checked her mail? My (former) student will think I have forgotten her!" I think I even made a noise like, "grrrr" or said "Oh no". I took both gifts and brought them to morning drop off to hand them directly to the students, (altho' I was asked not to do this).

Not a good idea.

The teacher explained to me, (clearly not impressed with my dismayed expression) that she had not delivered the gift because the child was previously absent.

That day the office staff and the sub reported me to the "Principal" and I was sent an email to the effect that I had better mail the gifts or get someone else to deliver them.

In response I apologized to the offended teacher and told her that I realize I am responsible for dealing with this transition and that I was sorry she had to see my "Icky bits".

Where do you live?

I have not been able to find housing for these folks but the criteria are very narrow. Regardless, we have enjoyed our time looking and discussing: options for housing in Mason, our young girls (theirs is only one year younger than mine) and expat life. I only wish I had a little more time to work on this project.

Here is a listing we looked at today:   Palmera Apartments

Do Over

A little snag in the road trying to find homes in the desired school district for clients. All units we saw yesterday advertised Mason and Loveland but were not in Mason or Loveland school district. Yikes. Do over.

This is a job

Had a lovely day with a family from the UK. Very busy looking at apartments. They were so cute talking about the places they saw. We ate lunch at Whole Foods and I was amazed that this is a job.

The Other

I am still figuring it out I guess.
I tried to stay cool but I didn't.
My heart on my sleave
And I don't want to leave
Walking where really I shouldn't.

And I imagine a better scenario
Where people are forgiving and kind
And I realize
from the love in their eyes
Transformation begins in my mind

I may not get that chance
There may not yet come the call
From others but me
I still want to see
The crumbling of Other's wall

One off

I hope that yesterday's missed blog is a one off because I believe in this process. Yesterday was the first truly busy day I have had since leaving my teaching job. My first assignment required a good deal of preparation (research, office work and phone calls) even with some helpful leads. Then I had an unexpected visitor, ( a good friend) who wanted to run an idea by me. And then I had promised Booty that I would take her and a friend to the library, movies and dinner. By the time we returned home it was late. We crashed. What a great day! Thanks all for reading and posting. This is good.

Made by Booty

An Assignment!

I received an assignment today! And it is a comprehensive assignment which means that I will be working 5 days!

For the next week and a half I will be busy but it will be good! Messy house, and all but I am glad for it.

More later.

What stays?

Form drawing is taught in Classes 1 to 5 (in Waldorf Schools), and consists essentially of freehand drawing of non-representational  forms.  It  was  an entirely new subject when Rudolf Steiner introduced it in the first  Waldorf school  in 1919. Today it is still new, in the sense that we are still discovering fresh aspects of it, and different applications.-Rosemary Gebert article

I have noticed that when I practice Form drawing I feel more centered. In fact, it can be used to help create balance in (or remove hindrances from) children  It was something I did extensively when we lived in Singapore. I even taught it as a class for children and also as a workshop for adults.  I like to make up forms and sometimes I find a form that is so compelling I will spend over an hour working on it. 

I recently met a woman who also had to leave a Waldorf school and she suggested that I come and teach something at her farm. There are so many things I love to do. I like making puppets and putting on puppet shows the most. I particularly like marionettes because they are light and easy to move. I like writing music and plays. I like being removed from the focus and making the being I have created the center. Stages for puppet shows are very manageable and resources more diverse. It is the perfect combination of art and performance. 

Crankies and specifically the duo Anna and Elizabeth in this link offer up a great example of performance that is also art. Craftmanship and history. These things are very inspiring to me. 

In search of that which remains inside of me after all the winds die down. 
What stays?

Back to school

It has been over two weeks since I have driven to school. Today I woke up angry that I had to go in and face school. I must have known that I would bump into someone I wasn't ready to be friendly to. My solution for this has been to say hello but without the smile. Today I could only look at the person and keep walking.

I have been making birthday presents for my students. I don't know if I do it to bring closure or if I am trying to hang on.

The cold has returned today. Frozen water in the chicken's water tub.

My child's enrollment papers are due today. What will happen? I don't know.

Assets and Liabilities

Start with the assets:

A healthy and loving daughter

A loving brother nearby

Spiritual Practice

People I know on the street- 9 families at least
who would help if I needed help- some who really know and love me

Returning health

6 more months of schooling for my daughter

A house

The woods behind my house

A great dog (not really measurable but had to mention)

Chickens and their offerings (fertilizer and eggs)

A reliable car

A Masters and a BA

Years of travel and friends from around the world

An upcoming  very part time job 

 Ok now the liabilities:

Depression

Sugar addiction

Paralysis (not wanting to go out)

Lots of short term employment (no job for longer than 3 years)

49+

Live in Failing school district

Still blaming others (abandonment and betrayal issues)

Looking for liabilities why? Because that is how I solve my problems. I look at my assets to see what I have to work with and then my problems or the things that are hindrances/liabilities. And I can see by this list that  I have a longer assets list. Maybe this is because while depressed I am more optimistic than I thought or perhaps I have more than I know.


 

Practice

The considerations are staggering.
1. Go back to school and become a high school teacher in public school.
2. Start a farm to table general store-cafe-restaurant with my brother.
3. Take a computer skills course to be viable for remote flex-time position at home
4. Start Forest Day care at home
5. Go back to school to earn Phd in teaching and teach adults.
6. Work on my house until spring and sell it and move to Maine.
7. Go to art school.
8. Get multiple odd jobs and scrape by.

All this leaves me with the question still of my daughter, who goes to private school. Next year that tuition will triple. And getting her to and from school and school hours etc.

When I began this process I thought to myself, "I have got to think fast and move!"

Yes. But since I am no closer to an answer I think I need to slow down and meditate. Be still. Listen.

Practice.

Equinimity

Jesus and his apostles walked by a dead rotting dog. When his disciples turned away in disgust, he said, "What beautiful teeth."

The remains of my dog's (de-squeaked) toy looks like a corpse without the blood or guts. But in some ways it is beautiful to me, sitting on the stainless steel table. It fought the good fight.

My inspiration

Layers

1 repeating form x 6
















2 layered forms


















3 layered forms

Stage 1

Stage 1 of my New Year piece.
Started with pencil. Scribbling and filling. No thinking.
Next with charcoal. Darkening and defining.
The tree and ladder. The star-person above. The human head and hand. Dark furry animal being in front. Movement above coming down into human head. Next layer...

Right now

Loved like a baby

In my family growing up (like many families) it was frowned upon to show weakness or sickness. I learned early on to hide things and became a pollyanna (happy face) and was rewarded for this behavior.

I utilized “baby speak” when I was uncomfortable throughout my childhood and even into adulthood. It was only when I became conscious of it that I stopped. I know many professional women who speak in this way and it endears them to those who would be intimidated by them otherwise. I don’t know any men who do this.

When my daughter who is 7 speaks in this way I immediately acknowledge it by saying, “I know sometimes speaking like a baby is comforting. Like you will be loved like a baby. You feel like you are loveable whether you make a mess or cry. I love you little baby!” I just wish I could feel this way for myself.

Yesterday was the first day without a headache in 2 months. I went to the movies to see ‘Into the Woods” with a friend. I was pleased that it was almost as good as the original with Bernadette Peters. It was the first day I felt close to normal, the fluid from my head subsiding. Less like an anvil for a head.

Today?

I am breathing.

What is well? What is ill?

Can any one of us say we are perfectly well in our body, emotion, mind and spirit? Maybe there are some who say they are. I hope these folks are in helping positions because I think that we are all working to be better.

I am working to be more compassionate to myself and others. You see, just saying "I am depressed." or admitting I am taking anti-depressants makes me feel like a loser. I am imagining what some of you will say. "I would never..." or "That is the weak person's way..." or what I have said in the past, "You can take antidepressants but it is a spiritual imbalance manifesting in the soul life. "

And maybe it is. But crying every day and feeling more and more unable to reach out because I am crying every day is a hard place to be when you need to step up your spiritual practice. Why cry? It is not a choice. I comes out.

I have a daughter who cries freely. I admire that she is so free with her emotions; joyful bouncing, singing when she is excited, growling when she is mad. She is very comfortable with her feelings. However, I have noticed how resentful I become when she is sad. Or my lack of compassion when she is sick. This is exactly the reaction my ex had throughout our marriage when I was sick and/or sad. It made me feel choked and silenced and disappeared.

Since I started "managing" (i.e. medicating) I have been able to wake up in the middle of the night and comfort my daughter if she is unwell. I have been able to attend to her without feeling resentful of my own lack of self-comfort. I have been able to focus outside my own paralysis on other things.

A friend recently gave me Amanda Palmer's "The Art of Asking" which I am reading. In the beginning of the book she shares stories from when she was a living statue in Harvard Square. She would dress in this long bridal gown, paint her face white and don a retro black Betty Paige wig and stand still until someone put money in the hat. Then she would give them a flower from her flower vase. And start over.

What struck me was her connection to this piece of art. Her impulse behind the piece was to imbue the thought:

"Please. Believe me. I am real. "