The Other

I am still figuring it out I guess.
I tried to stay cool but I didn't.
My heart on my sleave
And I don't want to leave
Walking where really I shouldn't.

And I imagine a better scenario
Where people are forgiving and kind
And I realize
from the love in their eyes
Transformation begins in my mind

I may not get that chance
There may not yet come the call
From others but me
I still want to see
The crumbling of Other's wall

One off

I hope that yesterday's missed blog is a one off because I believe in this process. Yesterday was the first truly busy day I have had since leaving my teaching job. My first assignment required a good deal of preparation (research, office work and phone calls) even with some helpful leads. Then I had an unexpected visitor, ( a good friend) who wanted to run an idea by me. And then I had promised Booty that I would take her and a friend to the library, movies and dinner. By the time we returned home it was late. We crashed. What a great day! Thanks all for reading and posting. This is good.

Made by Booty

An Assignment!

I received an assignment today! And it is a comprehensive assignment which means that I will be working 5 days!

For the next week and a half I will be busy but it will be good! Messy house, and all but I am glad for it.

More later.

What stays?

Form drawing is taught in Classes 1 to 5 (in Waldorf Schools), and consists essentially of freehand drawing of non-representational  forms.  It  was  an entirely new subject when Rudolf Steiner introduced it in the first  Waldorf school  in 1919. Today it is still new, in the sense that we are still discovering fresh aspects of it, and different applications.-Rosemary Gebert article

I have noticed that when I practice Form drawing I feel more centered. In fact, it can be used to help create balance in (or remove hindrances from) children  It was something I did extensively when we lived in Singapore. I even taught it as a class for children and also as a workshop for adults.  I like to make up forms and sometimes I find a form that is so compelling I will spend over an hour working on it. 

I recently met a woman who also had to leave a Waldorf school and she suggested that I come and teach something at her farm. There are so many things I love to do. I like making puppets and putting on puppet shows the most. I particularly like marionettes because they are light and easy to move. I like writing music and plays. I like being removed from the focus and making the being I have created the center. Stages for puppet shows are very manageable and resources more diverse. It is the perfect combination of art and performance. 

Crankies and specifically the duo Anna and Elizabeth in this link offer up a great example of performance that is also art. Craftmanship and history. These things are very inspiring to me. 

In search of that which remains inside of me after all the winds die down. 
What stays?

Back to school

It has been over two weeks since I have driven to school. Today I woke up angry that I had to go in and face school. I must have known that I would bump into someone I wasn't ready to be friendly to. My solution for this has been to say hello but without the smile. Today I could only look at the person and keep walking.

I have been making birthday presents for my students. I don't know if I do it to bring closure or if I am trying to hang on.

The cold has returned today. Frozen water in the chicken's water tub.

My child's enrollment papers are due today. What will happen? I don't know.

Assets and Liabilities

Start with the assets:

A healthy and loving daughter

A loving brother nearby

Spiritual Practice

People I know on the street- 9 families at least
who would help if I needed help- some who really know and love me

Returning health

6 more months of schooling for my daughter

A house

The woods behind my house

A great dog (not really measurable but had to mention)

Chickens and their offerings (fertilizer and eggs)

A reliable car

A Masters and a BA

Years of travel and friends from around the world

An upcoming  very part time job 

 Ok now the liabilities:

Depression

Sugar addiction

Paralysis (not wanting to go out)

Lots of short term employment (no job for longer than 3 years)

49+

Live in Failing school district

Still blaming others (abandonment and betrayal issues)

Looking for liabilities why? Because that is how I solve my problems. I look at my assets to see what I have to work with and then my problems or the things that are hindrances/liabilities. And I can see by this list that  I have a longer assets list. Maybe this is because while depressed I am more optimistic than I thought or perhaps I have more than I know.


 

Practice

The considerations are staggering.
1. Go back to school and become a high school teacher in public school.
2. Start a farm to table general store-cafe-restaurant with my brother.
3. Take a computer skills course to be viable for remote flex-time position at home
4. Start Forest Day care at home
5. Go back to school to earn Phd in teaching and teach adults.
6. Work on my house until spring and sell it and move to Maine.
7. Go to art school.
8. Get multiple odd jobs and scrape by.

All this leaves me with the question still of my daughter, who goes to private school. Next year that tuition will triple. And getting her to and from school and school hours etc.

When I began this process I thought to myself, "I have got to think fast and move!"

Yes. But since I am no closer to an answer I think I need to slow down and meditate. Be still. Listen.

Practice.

Equinimity

Jesus and his apostles walked by a dead rotting dog. When his disciples turned away in disgust, he said, "What beautiful teeth."

The remains of my dog's (de-squeaked) toy looks like a corpse without the blood or guts. But in some ways it is beautiful to me, sitting on the stainless steel table. It fought the good fight.

My inspiration

Layers

1 repeating form x 6
















2 layered forms


















3 layered forms

Stage 1

Stage 1 of my New Year piece.
Started with pencil. Scribbling and filling. No thinking.
Next with charcoal. Darkening and defining.
The tree and ladder. The star-person above. The human head and hand. Dark furry animal being in front. Movement above coming down into human head. Next layer...

Right now

Loved like a baby

In my family growing up (like many families) it was frowned upon to show weakness or sickness. I learned early on to hide things and became a pollyanna (happy face) and was rewarded for this behavior.

I utilized “baby speak” when I was uncomfortable throughout my childhood and even into adulthood. It was only when I became conscious of it that I stopped. I know many professional women who speak in this way and it endears them to those who would be intimidated by them otherwise. I don’t know any men who do this.

When my daughter who is 7 speaks in this way I immediately acknowledge it by saying, “I know sometimes speaking like a baby is comforting. Like you will be loved like a baby. You feel like you are loveable whether you make a mess or cry. I love you little baby!” I just wish I could feel this way for myself.

Yesterday was the first day without a headache in 2 months. I went to the movies to see ‘Into the Woods” with a friend. I was pleased that it was almost as good as the original with Bernadette Peters. It was the first day I felt close to normal, the fluid from my head subsiding. Less like an anvil for a head.

Today?

I am breathing.

What is well? What is ill?

Can any one of us say we are perfectly well in our body, emotion, mind and spirit? Maybe there are some who say they are. I hope these folks are in helping positions because I think that we are all working to be better.

I am working to be more compassionate to myself and others. You see, just saying "I am depressed." or admitting I am taking anti-depressants makes me feel like a loser. I am imagining what some of you will say. "I would never..." or "That is the weak person's way..." or what I have said in the past, "You can take antidepressants but it is a spiritual imbalance manifesting in the soul life. "

And maybe it is. But crying every day and feeling more and more unable to reach out because I am crying every day is a hard place to be when you need to step up your spiritual practice. Why cry? It is not a choice. I comes out.

I have a daughter who cries freely. I admire that she is so free with her emotions; joyful bouncing, singing when she is excited, growling when she is mad. She is very comfortable with her feelings. However, I have noticed how resentful I become when she is sad. Or my lack of compassion when she is sick. This is exactly the reaction my ex had throughout our marriage when I was sick and/or sad. It made me feel choked and silenced and disappeared.

Since I started "managing" (i.e. medicating) I have been able to wake up in the middle of the night and comfort my daughter if she is unwell. I have been able to attend to her without feeling resentful of my own lack of self-comfort. I have been able to focus outside my own paralysis on other things.

A friend recently gave me Amanda Palmer's "The Art of Asking" which I am reading. In the beginning of the book she shares stories from when she was a living statue in Harvard Square. She would dress in this long bridal gown, paint her face white and don a retro black Betty Paige wig and stand still until someone put money in the hat. Then she would give them a flower from her flower vase. And start over.

What struck me was her connection to this piece of art. Her impulse behind the piece was to imbue the thought:

"Please. Believe me. I am real. "

A knock on the door

Today I woke up late to a very blue sky and sparkling frost on the ground. When I took Lulu out there seemed to be more birds around than usual and I imagined my nephew, who is a bird aficionado, identifying them all . And Lulu, who really appreciates the woods, stopped here and there to meditate on the sounds and the movement in the trees. She investigated an old bird nest. She was still. While most people experience the over-enthusastic and pulsating side of my dog, she has the capacity for true focus and appreciation for the now. I really admire animals for this.

Yesterday my daughter left for the week-end with her dad. I was alone on Christmas and I didn't really like it much. Then there was a knock on the door. One of my neighbors, a wise elder of the Eco-village, invited me to dinner and also to help him with a more creative project.

I also received a young visitor with a basket of treats from his family. He stayed and played with Lulu, talking with me all the while. Then he tried out Booty's stilts and made progress with them, again talking amiably. And asked for a temporary tattoo and a gingerbread cookie. He ran home when it was time for me to leave for dinner.

I continue to study the materials and work through my new job orientation online. I find the movement of today more comfortable (stuff to do) and send a wish for better health to arise out of my positivity.

Christmas Perhaps

Perhaps

Its not dead

It is just sleeping

Barren, dry and impoverished looking

One would think it has reached its limit

That it is useless, tapped out.

How impatiently we wait to see.

Should we start hacking away?

Editing out the chaff?

Clearing away the brush, now a crackling mass,

A bonfire’s meal.

How long do we wait?

There could be some life swelling in there.

This could be the dream-time, the time that potential builds.

And without this rest, a new wave of abundance would only sickly

Trickle and meagerly offer from exhaustion more hollow notes.

The farmer waits. The teacher waits. The mother waits.

The divine waits.

As death and rebirth reciprocate.

As ice justifies the thaw.

The gums swell painfully and the child protests.

And the branches of my life drop every sign of worth.

Do I cut them and plant anew?

Or is there still something there?

                             Elizabeth Doshi  (December 2014)

You live!

When I am well

I continue to hear myself say, “When I am well…” Why do I have to wait until I am feeling healthy? Why can’t I seize the day with hope and excitement? Why can’t I learn to live with what is present? My excuse I say is, “I am not accustomed to feeling unwell. I am used to having lots of energy. I never get sick.” Well, in this case that is not true. So why not just do what you can? “I am! “ I say, with a little bit of anger and resentment.” I am taking care of my daughter. I am keeping the house clean. Walking the dog. Feeding the animals. What more can I do right now?” Accept. Let go of the timeline for wellness that you have written in stone.

This advice does not inspire. And oh, by the way, life has to be filled with inspiring moments and romantic vistas and gorgeous friends and brilliant children and Earth-Mother-women and their Earth-Father-men. Magic and Divine grace and all.

What I have here is mud and muck and thick, unrelenting and headache-inducing mucus. Forced smiles. False optimism. Mounting medical bills. An impending loss of income. And a creeping feeling that I will soon disappear and become a sketch of the idea of my ideal self without any real tooth or fire, hue or star substance whatsoever.

So bless me. I am doing it myself. As I love those without charm. As I am kind to those who are not compassionate. As I continue to be real with the ones that surround me, which honors them as it does me.

Gratitude. I am so lucky to have this beautiful child, these very real people that I belong to and who make me know what belongingness really is despite my painful “now”.  Despite what I am experiencing, something benevolent surrounds me.

It says, You live!

Letting Go

My Solstice wish, “letting go” is a mighty big order. Everywhere I look in my home there are reminders. Almost all my books are for teaching and most are curricular or Steiner.

Recent job interviews:

Cincinnati Early Learning Center is in a beautiful old building downtown across from Cincinnati’s biggest and best library. I met with a very elegantly dressed woman, who spoke well and seemed very interested in me. I spoke about Waldorf education and at the end of the interview asked about the salary, which she couldn’t tell me. After a few messages back and forth she stopped contacting me.

Dewey’s Pizza is a friendly “Leona’s” like restaurant in town with decent pizza. The manager who interviewed me was young enough to be my son. After a really honest conversation he told me, “I don’t think you would be a good fit…”

I interviewed at a Vet Specialist in Kentucky. A very professional vet spoke to me and seemed open to taking me on. I never called them back (very low hourly).

Yesterday I had a long interview on the phone with Dwellworks Destination Services, a relocation company for a part-time consulting job. After talking for a while I agreed to move forward and accept the position as an independent contractor. It may take a while to make a living but the hourly wage is excellent and it is a job I have lived for the last 8 years; I would be helping people relocate to a new home/city.

For the first time I am looking forward to filling out paperwork and feeling like I have a purpose. But is that a trap? Is having a job just an invention. Can’t I be established within myself without a job?

Shame

I publicly shamed someone. I admit it wasn't my brightest moment but it happened and I think that it meant something. About me. And shame.

First the "incident" as my daughter calls it. We were at our grocers and had just arrived back home from Maine and I was talking to my brother (on my cell phone)  who  had been taking care of our chickens. I spaced out and a man was angry that I was in his way in the grocery aisle. He said, "Move it dumb-ass! I am not going around you!" At first I didn't think he was talking to us and then he turned to me and said it again, "Dumb-ass!" Later, my daughter said he was talking to her at which point when I saw him again looking at us and shaking his head I said, "Were you swearing at us because we were in your way?" And then loudly, "You should be ashamed of yourself for speaking like that just because we were in your way!" Everyone turned around, including the security guy and I repeated myself, "Just because we were in his way!!!"

Shame. Do we shame others because we feel shame?