But I am the “Doer”!
Living with a Live In Helper


For some time I have been wanting to write about this delicate subject, “Living with a Live In Helper” but have been afraid of sounding ungrateful or elitist or one of those adjectives describing the Odious and the Wealthy. But now I feel like I need to because it is such a big part of our life and also because I have been in our helper’s shoes and I feel like I can be somewhat fair.

Most people I know back home don’t have live in help and may have some ideas about what it is like or what it means. For one, when you live in Singapore it doesn’t mean you are rich. It only means that when you researched the options you discovered that it is more cost effective to hire someone to live in your home and work full-time than it is to hire someone for, lets say, 12 hours a week.

When we lived in California, we hired someone to clean once a week. She also offered to care for Booty. If we had hired her to do both for 15 hours a week we would have paid what we pay now for roughly 60 hours a week of cooking, shopping, gardening, cleaning and childcare.

The second misunderstanding is that if you have a live-in it means you have less to worry about. This isn’t true for me as I feel that I have another person to care for. Is she getting enough to eat? Is she rested enough? Does she miss her family? Does she need to hang out more with her friends? Does she have enough spending money? Am I too hard on her? Too soft? Can I be clearer about what we need? Imagine having an employee that doesn’t work at your place of employment but in your home with your child and your personal “stuff”.

Singapore may be one of the only places on earth where one can find this kind of affordable help in a fully functional city, but what are the other hidden costs?

For our helper the cost is her privacy and her independence. She depends upon us for her health care, for the food that she is “allowed” to eat, her social life (if she gets one) and for her ability to stay in this country and work so that she can send money to her family.

While I know that MB (her initials) is treated better than most helpers, certainly better than all of my friend’s helpers, it doesn’t keep me from examining my behavior around her employment. There are times that I am just plain “weird” about things, stupid things like when she makes food for herself and heats up left overs for us. Or her inability to dry the bathroom floor no matter what I say, or her strange lack of precision with bed making, mopping, dusting, and laundry. But what can I, within reason, complain about? Nothing really, except one thing that is beyond MB’s control. And that is our privacy.

MB knows that when I am stressed out I become a fanatic about everything. She knows what my H and I fight about. She does our laundry for heaven’s sake and when you are caring for a family the way she cares for our family she knows stuff about us. More stuff about us than we know about her. And I think this is what my old boss had a problem with when I took care of her family of 6 children. When you take someone in to live with your family, you are taking them INTO your family and they are changing the identity of the family.

Booty considers MB as one would consider an Aunt. She is a family member who deserves honor. But what is tricky is that H sees her totally differently, (having grown up with “servants”) and so do I.

I think of MB as a young, dependent niece or someone who “doesn’t know better” or who isn’t ready to be challenged intellectually. I have tried to invite MB to the table to eat with us. I have encouraged her to enroll in adult education classes that we would help pay for. I have invited her to watch movies with me. Or to go shopping with me. Rarely does she take me up on the offer. But does this mean she is not my equal? Why would that be so?

Who is really in control? And what is it that is challenging for me who has everything? Once again I run up against these ideas of “status” in the home. And it has made me realize that at this seemingly absurd time in my life when it seems all my peers are growing into their creative” peak”, I am feeling like a total anomaly. I know who I think I am AND I know that this idea (of who I am) is not entirely true.

Having a live-in helper doesn’t do what I supposed it would. Instead of making me feel empowered to do the things I didn’t have time for before it reminds me of the things I made time for despite chores piling up. And I am not speaking of the ability to do my teaching work. I am speaking of the whole “live in” situation. It works upon the will very strongly when you have someone always “doing” for you. And yet if I can call upon my higher forces to do what is being asked of me regardless of my privilege, I could really “do” something myself.

The deeper question for me at this time is,

Despite ALL you have been given,
Despite what you think you know
And despite the ideas you carry about who you are,
Can you accept what is present here and act upon what is needed now?