A friend just sent me the link to this parenting article by Lisa Belkin published in The Way We Live Now.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/31/magazine/31wwln-lede-t.html
It is interesting to me to read the monikers used for different parenting styles. To me, the phrase "child-centered" means just that, you allow the child to reveal themselves through what you observe and you parent accordingly. But here it means you jump every time the child cries or makes a demand. That would be called "No one is in charge" parenting in my book. But I would agree that the guilt and anxiety I feel over my "bad" parenting is greater and more painful than any feeling of inadequacy I have felt in my entire life. When I sense I have erred with my daughter I feel deserving of a visit from CSS.
Do I hover? I try not to but tend to stay pretty close as my daughter is 1. Needy OR 2.Into Everything. It is a fabulous day when she can play on her own for more than 5 minutes. It is a wonderful day when it is not spent with my daughter clinging to my legs during the hour in which I try to tidy up or do laundry, (having spent the rest of the day singing and playing with her).
Do I feel guilty and anxious as I utter these horrible words? How could you, an adopting mum, feel this way? What is wrong with you?
It is good to hear that other mums feel the way I do. I guess the government couldn't afford to lock us ALL away.
And as my daughter gains her independence, and she has already started, there will be more time to work on projects at home. And soon she will have another adult to play with at home as we will be hiring a live-in to help us manage the house and watch over our beauty-girl. But this can be challenging too. How does one teach another person to, like in the article, "let the child be"? I want Sun Booty to have a healthy sense of self-esteem (not as common in girls) and a curiosity about the world even as she gets big enough to understand the phrase, "I am bored."
And what will I do with my free time? I may take a class. I will most definitely work. And perhaps spend some time with that handsome man I married.
4 comments:
Oh you are most certainly NOT alone! I am always trying to find that balance between being attentive and focusing on my daughter on the one hand, and being realistic and focusing on my own stuff on the other. I'm about to go on vacation - without my kid - and that's a big deal. I see a lot of value in backing off from the currently popular "overparenting" style and encouraging independence. And yet, as an adoptive mom, I'm always thinking about attachment and my daughter's sense of security and sureness in me. It's a tough one!
I just skimmed through the article (will read it properly later) but it reminded me of this great post: http://daycaredaze.wordpress.com/2006/07/02/benign-neglect/
Back to the playdoh... hope you guys are ok :-)
Hi Elizabeth, I really liked the article you linked to if only because it showed that what we (society) think is important is often transient and tomorrow we'll be thinking something else is important. I take comfort in that because I often have no idea of what I should be doing, but I do my best and that has to be good enough. I think its easy for moms to get caught up in the "shoulds" of raising a child, but I think being an older mom by a less traditional means of a child from a completely different culture than my own, released me from the constraints of "normal" parenting, and I totally revel in that freedom. And, thank God, as they get a little older they become a little more independent and you can do the laundry without a lump attached to your leg...probably because they are off watching Dora on the TV...!! (okay, I am a bad mom too!) see you soon!
I think I'm the worst mom in the world! I have no patience and am easily annoyed. I think I need to set up a savings account just for their future psychological care.
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